Sometimes I ask myself, while listening to whatever music I enjoy, how lonely am I really. Indeed I may be a little bitch and complain about many things ranging from lack of education, proper job and career to lack of money and wealth. But loneliness has nothing to do with the above.
So I ask myself again: how lonely am I really? And the answer is as simple as the question. I am not alone at all. I am alone only when I want to be alone but that is entirely other goose on another pond.
I have parents. Humanly imperfect but humanely loving. Without them and their experience, their help and their proper words at the right time, I would not be the man I am now. For which facts and deeds I am grateful to a degree. Not entirely, because then I wouldn't be able to throw my tantrums at them anymore and what good jolly fun would that be? And even in their absence, my parents are with me through the image I have projected about them as a child. An imperfect image but it is good enough when I want to be not alone.
I have relatives. Few, true, but they are there when I need them. They represent something for which I had and still have a great disdain: family. Do not get me wrong: family as a concept does not appeal to me; you know, father, mother, kids, happy family with a nice house in a residential area with quiet neighbors and all that jazz. My relatives represent something deeper: ties of blood. They are called family ties but I like to have that hubris and think of them as something special. It was the good influence of my cousins that got me a nice and cool haircut and convinced me to change my style. And everything went better than expected. The next moment, I bought a pair of glasses and a hat! And even my father stated that I have changed. Yea ... family can do that to you, in a good way.
Looking around me further, I see friends. Old friends, new friends, pals and drinking buddies. Old friends grow older and distant for they have plans and careers and even children. New friends are wise beyond their years and manage to pull my hide out of some nasty situations through good advice and patience. I am a difficult friend to maintain and even to speak to. I am quick to anger and to accuse but also I am quick to laugh and sing. Psychically unstable? No. It is just me. Yet I value all my friends, old and new. I can't say I respect them or they respect me. I place a too great value upon this word and whatever it represents. So I only say that me and my groups of friends, new and old, do get along well from time to time. Sometimes we argue, then we drink, other times we laugh and dance then drink again, so on and so forth.
Am I then alone? No. I would lie out of my ass to say that I am alone and morose. I would be undeserving of the few friends and the loving family I have. But then ... why do I feel so alone? So ... bored of what life is all about? Why do I walk inside my room small as it is and feel like a lion in a cage?
I play games but I do so out of boredom. I watch TV shows but I lose track of them pretty fast. I read blogs and articles, but I merely scroll and look at pretty pictures. I listen to music I used to listen but from 3200 files I play 4 or 5. On repeat. I even write for my D&D campaign setting but I haven't done so since last month! So what happens with me?
I am unloved. And I do not speak about my family's love or my friends affection and care. I speak of which, at my age, should be able to obtain or at least garner in some way. I speak about a woman's love. Indeed it sounds lame. I am twenty eight years old and unable to find myself a girl in this age of hyper speed and communication. Facebook, Twitter and all this social media and I can't seem to find that one girl that is able to look upon me and my being and not run away or throw up. Or both. Maybe love is overrated and I am looking for something that simply does not exist. Like the fabled Eldorado sought by the Spanish army, I am the fool that seeks love and finds it not. I may look in the wrong places. Maybe not Facebook, Twitter, Hi5 is the answer, but a personal approach but how am I suppose to know if the girl on the street I approach isn't already with someone else? That and the fact that I am not a very good risk taker might be an element too to this absence of feminine in my life.
Would a girl activate or tap me? I don't know. I need the right type of girl to do that. Someone who understands my current situation, understands my passion for games, understands my passion for romance and kisses and most important a girl that understands what feeds me, what propels me to the nine skies and makes me fly with passion and conviction. Someone optimistic enough to fuel me with her affection and optimism. But we all know that whatever I girl I crave for, exists in the arms of better men. Better peers that have boring jobs, wealthy careers or even a silver spoon in their mouth. A girl like the one I am looking for, would look upon me with contempt and disgust thus I should lower my standards. A lot! For the girl has to bee attractive too!
Dreams ....
No comments:
Post a Comment