When angels cry

There comes a time when even your strength is not enough. When whatever you do, everything falls apart around you, life, friends, job ... leaving you vulnerable and maybe subject to other's undesired attention.

The name of the game is Affective  Bipolar Disorder. And my SO is fighting this beast of a burden. It is a pain to see such a beautiful human being tried so much in the past, tortured now by a disorder which risks to bring her down. 

When I found out that her doctor decided to increase the medication after previously reducing them, I was upset. My SO broke down in tears and was distressed after two weeks of my absence, stress and other added effects that simply triggered this disorder anew. I didn't know how to answer at first but with the help of my SO's mother I found all the info I needed to understand why the medication is necessary and why the disorder is so vile and why it can crumble a person from within.

I don't know how to cope with all this situation, I feel overwhelmed and slowly eroded by her hyperactivity and rapid mood swings and lack of sleep thereof. And in this sensitive state, my SO understands why she needs the pills but some other times she perceives them as chemical threats to her dancing mind. A race of thoughts yearning to emerge and take shape in words and actions. 

Last night she slept for 4 or 5 hours and kept me and eventually her mother awake in an internal need to speak, to express herself and to dance. She paced between her room and her mothers incessantly looking to give sound to the voices in her mind. And here is my conundrum as my SO has a marvelous and beautiful mind! I want the voices in her head give her pause and let her rest and heal. I want to silence them one by one by one until my SO is her old self again and is happy and healthy. I want her to sleep and to rest properly and to understand that not all medication is bad and not all doctors are torturers.

Her mother has steeled herself against her daughter's verbal abuse when the mood swings hit, but I feel I should be there and reorient and mitigate all that towards myself mostly, so her mother can find a bit of breathing room for she needs it the most. I want to help her more but I feel powerless against such disorder.

There are few things I can do ... I can love her and support her and be there now, when she needs me the most. Hug her and kiss her softly and tell her I love her. I do love her with all my little heart and it hurts me to see her so. And this I do. I am there for her anytime and any day. I hug her when she feels the need to, I give her soft kisses that she loves and when she gets moody I give her a back rub to relax and comfort her. 

Doesn't always work but I am playing my part. The Leo's part, the defender of the meek and the protector of my SO. Hope that will be enough to see her through this and to see her old self again. 

I love you.